I remember when....

 I remember when..... How many times have we heard those words in our life?  As I have gotten older I have found that I have an extremely good memory for past events. I can often recall events from a very young age.  It isn't total recall. I do not remember the dates or days.  Sometimes names elude me, but the events from the past come to me with amazing clarity. My short-term memory is not very good but things from the past are just another story. The problem is that this can be a double-edged sword.

Having a good memory can be amazing. I can remember the best moments of my childhood like it was yesterday. A lot of the amazing moments from sports, school, and the Air Force are remembered in detail. I remember almost all of the wonderful moments of past relationships with warmth and fondness.  Something triggers the memory and I will just smile. It's like for that brief moment I am transported back in time.  Even if I am asked a question and do not remember, it will normally come rushing back with a little thought for a day or so. I also laugh at others. Quite often, if someone else remembers an event they have the details wrong. I think what happens is they have embellished the story at some point to make a better tale. After telling the story that way for so long they truly believe that is how it really happened.  Often it was much less exciting, or at the very least they added a few details. It can be the case with past relationships as I have stayed friends with most,  Despite all of these pluses, there is also an extremely dark side to my memory.

I do not know how people with total recall live with it.  The problem is that a good memory is not limited to only good times. Imagine remembering every injury and the pain involved for your entire life,  Family fights and arguments come back so strong that you can feel tears welling up at the brief thought. I remember with vivid clarity how every relationship ended.  Some ended badly. It can tear at you knowing it was because you were too young and immature and had treated someone badly. It can be even worse sometimes when you are an adult and things end when they seemingly were going well and then the friendship card is played.  I can instantly go from happy to depressed as I recall the moments it happened.  A lot of times it was due to my constant traveling. In those cases, it just sort of fizzled because I was gone too much, but the memory can still be bitter. 

Perhaps the toughest thing to handle is when someone else doesn't recall the event at all. At my age I find this happening more and more. Good and bad times are often fully forgotten by family and friends. It can really hurt if you have an extremely happy memory and the other person doesn't recall it at all.  I can close my eyes see the moment and recall the feelings at the time. Christmas, dates, etc come through clearly. The details are good and bad.  My wife tells people we met in Santa Barbara half of the time. I have to remind her we met in North Platte Nebraska almost a full year prior. I remember every moment we had in North Platte though not necessarily the sequence. In her defense, she remembers as soon as I say it (though not all I do), and after a few months of dating and briefly talking engagement, we split for several months.  I temporarily moved on and met someone else I really cared about.  When that faded we ended up together again and the Santa Barbara trip was one of our fondest times together.  I am sure this is why she often names Santa Barbara.  It was in Santa Barbara where she mentioned engagement (I had the first time) to let me know things had changed.  That is another story.  

What was I trying to accomplish here?  I guess I just needed to get it out.  As I get older emotions come much more frequently.  They are much harder to hide. The highs and lows of a good memory are more prominent.  At times I think of something that was a very important memory and want to share. Other times I hide tears behind a text or in my writing because a bad memory has been triggered.  So how is your memory?  Can you actually affect your mood with your recall?  The next time you hear I remember when... realize that even if you cant recall the moment someone else may in 4K clarity.