To Cry?

To Cry?

A Mans Dilema

Everyone cries. You can act tough all you want, but eventually, you’ll need to let go. I’ve been wondering why it’s so hard for men to let go. Maybe it’s not that difficult for you. If not, why is that? I started asking myself this question recently: why do men find it so hard to share their tears?

I’d say that by societal standards, I’m probably over-emotional for a guy. That goes for every emotion. As a teenager, I didn’t have much control over my emotions. I didn’t know how to channel them. By my twenties, I had much better control, but did I? I’ll explore that in a moment. And what about now?

I was born in 1962, and crying wasn’t considered manly back then. How many of us were told to stop acting like girls or quit being babies? The most common phrase was, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.” What good does that even do? The problem was, we learned at a young age that we might get spanked if we didn’t stop crying. So, we tried to hold it in. I remember sniffling and doing a silent sob. You see siblings go through the same, and it feels terrible. At a very young age, boys were trained to hide in their bedrooms or find a solitary place to let their tears go. I hope I didn’t do that to my kids, but it was so ingrained in me that I may have done it at least once.

It was probably even worse as a teenager. By then, I had learned to choke it down. You never wanted to do it publicly. In my case, it often came out as anger. Something would happen in my life that I wanted to cry about, but instead, I would get angry. That anger had to go somewhere, especially in my late teens. I suppose my girlfriend at the time may have seen me cry, but mostly, even though I was never really angry at her, she would get the brunt of it. Even though so many teen males do that, I never really forgave myself for doing that to her.

As a young adult, I had mastered the art of suppressing my emotions. I could bite my lip, swallow my tears deep inside, and endure them until I reached home or found a private place to cry. Occasionally, I could even completely suppress my emotions. However, this was not a common occurrence.

I was always quite emotional, and I often found myself in my bedroom, crying on a pillow so that my roommates wouldn’t hear me. The reasons for my tears varied. They could be from breakups, arguments with my girlfriend, or even overheard comments about me. In contrast, women seemed to be able to express their emotions freely. I had a female roommate who would cry and want comfort.  I could not do the same.

You might think that as you age, it would become easier to express your emotions, but for most people, it doesn’t seem that way. This is partly due to societal conditioning. We’ve been taught for years that real men don’t cry. I vividly remember when I started attending Baptist and other Christian churches. It drove me crazy when Pastors would cry in sermons. To this day, it still makes me uncomfortable. I used to think they did it for effect, but I later realized that they were doing something that I couldn’t do. It still bothered me, though. I couldn’t seem to get past it.

Even marriage didn’t help me. There are certain instances where it’s okay to cry now, like during the death of a loved one or when my kids gave me something or showed me love in a certain way. However, other than those situations, it seemed to make my wife angry. I remember an argument where I realized I was wrong. I tried to apologize, and the fact that I had messed up brought some tears. She wasn’t happy. She said she wouldn’t tell me anything anymore because I would just cry.

Now, don’t blame my wife here. She grew up in the same era as me and later had issues that I won’t go into that made her act this way. Still, what is a guy supposed to do?

It never seems to get easier. At 62, I’ve discovered that I’m more prone to emotional outbursts. It’s also harder to suppress my feelings. Despite my belief that I’m not allowed to cry, I find myself doing so anyway. I’m not sure why, but I guess it’s just something I’ve always done. Be honest, guys: you all cry. You just keep it hidden or channel it through work or anger. Some even resort to substances to cope with sadness or happiness. So, I’m curious to know, what do you guys do? Is this a generational thing? Is it okay to cry?